[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise