If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good