I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
want me to check your oil?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.