I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
You Might Also Like
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life