Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
*exercises sarcastically*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
i could never be president. im overqualified.