2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life