Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.