Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
#oldknees
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Your honor these allegations are
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”