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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?