I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I only eat vegetarians.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
happy mother’s day❤️
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
All excellent questions
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“I wouldn’t.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Awwwww shit.