-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The 6 types of sex
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Something Saturday.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.