We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,