Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
You Might Also Like
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.