Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Kids, do not try this at home!
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
The devil.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
is this store having a stroke wtf
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.