If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
How software testing works
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.