God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.
My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
Maybe if we press “2” for Spanish, we’ll actually get someone that speaks English better then the person on the “1” line.
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.