@MrsTomServo

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

@MrsTomServo

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

@MrsTomServo

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.

@MrsTomServo

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

@MrsTomServo

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

@MrsTomServo

Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.

@MrsTomServo

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

@MrsTomServo

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

@MrsTomServo

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

@MrsTomServo

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist