I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.