Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
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Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says