“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*