fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.