where do you see yourself in five years?
You Might Also Like
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”