don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
? 💀
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
stop
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
The biggest mystery of our time
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?