Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.