disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
That’s no pocket rocket.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire