*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink