Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.