My support group can outdrink your support group.
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
See..?
.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.