Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
This makes total sense…
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware