I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings