On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You Might Also Like
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious