Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Happy birthday to all the women
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.