I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?