Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
what the
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: