GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music