JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping