If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.