our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
bad
worse
worst
worchester
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer