[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
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Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Florida be like…
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.