Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
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Otters see a butterfly.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!