When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My beach vacation Google searches
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.