I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?