Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.