@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

@NervousJr

How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.

@NervousJr

Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.

@NervousJr

Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!

Me: *you’re

@NervousJr

“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”

Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”

@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.

@NervousJr

Boss: “late again I see”

Brain: think of a good excuse!

Mouth: “your moms late.”

Brain: wow….

@NervousJr

Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.