The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.
Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.
Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident!
Does “who cares” count as advice?
“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”
Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”
Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?
Here, hold this grenade.
Boss: “late again I see”
Brain: think of a good excuse!
Mouth: “your moms late.”
Don’t feel like going to the gym?
Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.
Then go to the gym.