i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
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Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.