2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
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There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.