[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.