[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
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Nice try, NASA
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy