Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”