Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
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My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.