*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse âright of wayâ with immortality.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: âNoâ
Now, ask me the question
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. âStop being an idiot,â said one wife who lives in my house.
Couldâve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
me: how often should I water it?
florist: youâll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licensâ
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Womenâs skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Science memes
âKids today are patheticâ is NOT a good take from the generation raising todayâs kids. Itâs like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
âLady Doritosâ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when heâs trying to be romantic
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friendâs kidâs graduation party. I canât pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I used to think Olâ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess Iâm still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
âThereâs a grouch and a cookie addictâ
Director: Anything else?
âTwo jobless roommatesâ
Director: First of all I love it
It takes an entire villageâs whiskey to raise a child
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
when itâs finally the weekend but you promised your wife youâd deal with the orc infestation in the basement